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By Amy Reiter Fall 2001 | Bride's magazine bills itself as "The World's #1 Bridal Magazine," and it certainly seems to be the biggest. At 894 pages, this high-gloss wedding etiquette bimonthly tipped my bathroom scale at about 2 and a half pounds. And while it might come in handy to prospective brides looking to buff up their biceps for the big day with a few quick magazine hoists, alas, it will not prove equally useful to anyone looking for deep consideration of weighty wedding issues.
In all likelihood, none of this will surprise you. Nor will you be alarmed to find advice (in an endless succession of Q&A format columns) on everything from selecting the right place cards to telling your fiance he has a little dandruff problem (gently tell him, "Honey, your scalp is a bit dry") to picking your song list (the editor's "expert" advice? Skip the J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks," but feel free to play AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"). And on the topic of theme weddings, Bride's feeds up the story of a woman who dreamed of a Renaissance-themed wedding and decided to dress up as Anne Boleyn; talk about losing your head. What you may be surprised to find is one -- count 'em, one -- article with an actual sense of humor, innocently tucked away on page 362. Columnist Amy Keith, who writes an "etiquette quiz for the second-time bride" obviously didn't get management's "no funny stuff allowed" memo. She tackles such serious issues as "Can a remarrying bride wear a long white dress?" ("Only if you wear a scarlet veil") and "How are remarriage invitations worded?" ("It doesn't matter as long as you use recycled paper"). I guess the message here is that it's OK to laugh (and be a little sarcastic and bitter) if you've done this wedding thing before, but those of us getting hitched for the first time have to be very serious about, say, registering for tablewear. "Your dreams of perfect table settings can now be a reality," gushes the magazine. What a relief! Short-lived
relief, to be sure. Because if Bride's is serious about registering, Modern
Bride, Bride's magazine's slightly skinnier, somewhat sassier cross-town
rival, is downright giddy about it. "My home is well-equipped with wineglasses, sterling silver, fine china, punch bowls and pitchers. Where did I get this great loot? From my bridal registry, of course," she boasts (licking her tastefully lipsticked chops? rubbing her well-manicured hands?). "It worked like magic: My husband and I put a peach-color towel on the list and poof! Before we knew it, it was hanging in our bathroom. Ah, yes, registering. One of marriage's finer perks." Now I don't know, but I suspect van der Meer hopes she's coming across as the irreverent, tough-talkin', wise-crackin', tell-it-like-it-is older sister the focus group told her we all secretly long for, not (as is the case) the friend we've all had who's turned into some maniacal "loot"-collecting, tablecloth-obsessed alien around the time of her wedding. And if -- poof! --the "magic" of grabbin' at them weddin' gifts weren't icky enough ... I mean, peach towels? Still, van der Meer promises to make it easy for us, to indoctrinate us into the joys of registering in the "Best Registry Guide Ever." In this special, 38-page package, readers will learn the difference between porcelain and bone china (bone china's harder and whiter and has animal ash in it) and between cut, engraved and etched glass. They'll also learn that wine coasters "keep bottle drips from staining tables and linens." They'll be introduced to different flatware styles, knife types, pot and pan shapes, and small appliance uses. They'll learn that all newly married couples should "sign up for at least three sets of sheets" and "have at least two [duvet covers] on hand" at all times. They'll also learn that Modern Bride uses the phrase "grab your guy" as often as possible and that all couples should "understand the importance of a fork" in anticipating the greater harmony of their lives together. These are important things to know before you say "I do." I mean, they're, like, vital!
Like all the magazines, Martha Stewart Weddings offers advice on everything from dresses to cakes to favors to flowers and decorations. The doyenne of domesticity also offers a registry worksheet (only hers is, of course, so beautifully designed you may want to chew on it) and stories of real-life weddings that are much snazzier than your real-life wedding will ever be. (Face it.) She also devotes five pages to wording the invitation, three to gloves, three to cakes, five to using rubber stamps, three to organizing transportation, two to toasts, three to merging your money and four to registering for cutlery alone. True to form, Martha not only shows you how to make your own favors and flower arrangements, but how to bake your own multilayered wedding cake as well. Mercifully, "bake your own wedding cake" is not on Martha's wedding checklist. However, "purchase going-away outfits" (four to six months ahead of time) is. What, you haven't done that yet? What kind of slacker bride are you?
But make no mistake: This magazine -- with its tips for environmentally friendly affairs, acknowledgement that the wedding should be more about love than table linens and wedding-task checklist for the groom -- is far less obviously odious than the rest, yet still yucky enough to make a thinking woman run screaming to Vegas. The registry section may be smaller, but it's there, as are the in-depth, over-the-top checklist, the do-it-yourself favors tips, the tiara showcase. Occasionally WeddingBells even veers into random Victorian sentimentality. For instance, check out this stinky advice: "On the eve of your wedding, send the groom the gift of a men's formal white handkerchief that you've scented with your wedding-day perfume," WeddingBells suggests. Then, on your wedding night, "sprinkle the bed with fresh rose petals, then spritz the linen with perfume." More dubious advice? "Hire a magician to make you magically disappear" from your wedding reception, though you should "be sure to say a gracious goodbye before the act starts." Maybe you can get go halvsies on the magician with the bar mitzvah boy next door. And hey, if your guests are really lucky, they may find themselves less a bride and groom but -- poof! -- plus a couple of pricey peach towels. ----------- Amy Reiter writes the "Nothing Personal" column for Salon.com. ----------- What bugs you about Bridal magazines? Share your thoughts in Kvetch |
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Here's what you'll find in the August/September 2001 issue of Bride's:
Lots and lots ... and lots of photos of women in wedding dresses. Skinny
women doing their best impressions of Audrey Hepburn. Big-haired women
in elaborately beaded dresses and too much eye shadow staring meaningfully
into the camera (none-too-subtle airbrushed halos adding to their over-accessorized
auras). Tousle-haired, "heroin chic" brides crouched in mysterious dark
alleys heads tossed back in some fit of (drug-induced?) ecstasy. You'll
also see brides on bikes, brides eating hot dogs, even a few token plus-size
brides, hidden somewhere around page 400. Oh, and Liz Hurley -- the quintessential
non-bride (she and Hugh Grant were together for, what, 13 years without
marrying?) -- running along a beach, dressed as ... a bride. 
"Do you know what you're registering for?" Editor-in-Chief Antonia van
der Meer inquires in her editor's letter, which one finds only after paging
through 25 pages of ads, in the August/September 2001 issue. Van der Meer,
pictured stretched out on a funky chair, wedding ring and French manicure
squarely in view, shows a somewhat incongruous resemblance to Gloria Steinem,
center-parted hair and all. She also shares with the Ms. magazine founder
an impressive zeal for the women's movement, only in van der Meer's case,
apparently, this means women should be moving in the direction of the
nearest department store registry -- fast. 
And speaking of vital, Martha Stewart wastes no time in telling you what
you need to do before your big day in the Summer 2001 issue of Martha
Stewart Weddings. Far less crowded with dress ads than either Bride's
or Modern Bride, this seasonal magazine gets right down to business, offering
you a comprehensive wedding planner, a budget planner, a guest-list planner
and a honeymoon planner before Martha herself -- dressed in amber taffeta
and talking Tolstoy and ever-so-tasteful wedding brunches -- greets you
on page 44.
Maybe you think you're more of a WeddingBells sort of bride? WeddingBells
is the hip bridal magazine. You can tell because there's a picture of
a Marilyn Monroe wannabe on the cover of the Fall/Winter 2001 issue (the
"Glamour issue"), because WeddingBells' editor-in-chief is wearing funky
glasses and bright red lipstick. WeddingBells also flaunts its coolness
by featuring a "real-life" wedding at which a Madonna impersonator and
a mime (like a virgin getting trapped in a glass box that gets smaller
and smaller and smaller?) interacted with guests and because some of the
grooms in the artistically shot photos have long hair.