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By Amy Reiter Winter 2002/2003 | Anyone out there dream of looking like the bride of Frankenstein on her big day? Don't all shout yes at once. This season's issue of Elegant Bride features model Sarah Schulze looking downright frightening on its cover -- and in its pages -- with her hair teased and sprayed into a gravity-defying 'do that looks like she prepared for her wedding by licking her ring finger and sticking it into the nearest light socket. For an added lifelike quality, her cheeks have been rouged in big bruisy-looking circles like a baby doll ... or a corpse. This, Elegant Bride will have us all know, is the height of fashion. They say "sophisticated and sexy," I say potato, but let's not call the whole thing off just yet. Because there's so much more to marvel at in this haute couture bridal mag. In fact, just reading the fine print in the credits alone can be a highly entertaining way to procrastinate calling your DJ or band leader to tell him that if he even -- thinks -- of playing "Celebrate" at your reception you'll be forced to break his kneecaps. (Or maybe you're looking forward to making that call? I don't know. It takes all kinds of brides ...) For instance, Elegant Bride editors have taken the care to credit not only the dress designer, the hair stylist, photo stylist, makeup artist, photographer and jewelry designer, but they also make sure to tell you what scent the model is wearing. As if that's something you could judge from a photo! (Not that I'm complaining. The magazine reeks far less than last season's issue. Vera Wang seems to have found a more effective way of containing the smell in her ads.) The magazine's contributors page also takes the time to tell you all about manicurist of the stars, Tom Bachik -- "a clear-cut virtuoso of nail design." Having worked his shape and polish magic on the fingertips of everyone from Charlize Theron and Donatella Versace to Lauren Bush, Rose McGowan and Pink, Bachik paints a model's fingernails an opulent gold for this issue. Rush right out and secure his services for your wedding, won't you? But don't worry, Elegant Bride knows you won't be able to afford most of the fashionable items or services featured in its pages. So instead it advises using its looks as a jumping off point. Don't think your Aunt Mabel will be able to fork over $700 (and up) for a single place setting of Anna Weatherley china in honor of your nuptials, despite the fact that Terry Corcoran, manager of Bergdorf Goodman's Bridal Registry, says it's "really like buying a piece of art"? In this age of economic downturn, Elegant Bride feels your -- Aunt Mabel's -- pain. "While not every bride can afford to eat from one of her plates, the stylish elements that make her china a hit can help to guide your bridal-registry selection," the magazine allows. Mix and match styles and patterns, Weatherley advises. This even the most penurious thrift shopper -- OK, so the magazine doesn't exactly tell you to scour garage sales and hit the corner Salvation Army; they do have advertisers to satisfy, you know -- can do. Overall, Elegant Bride seems to be settling in to its recent redesign by toning down the strident haute-ness of its recommendations -- and the shallowness of, say, suggesting a bride get plastic surgery in a timely manner before the wedding, a memorable feature that ran in its last issue. Instead, this edition includes a solemn discussion of the pros and cons of getting pregnant right away or even before the wedding -- something more couples are apparently opting for thanks to the recent media-fueled fertility scare -- as well as a somewhat sage meditation on buying a house in the midst of what may or may not be a real estate bubble. Those are articles a bride today can actually use. To be sure, the magazine still boldly suggests that the groom pay for the groomsmen's gloves and ascots (!) and that the bride present her attendants with, say, diamond necklaces or silver boxes from Tiffany's as tokens of her appreciation. But it also includes a budget checklist, albeit somewhat apologetically: "Although keeping track of dollars and cents may not seem especially romantic, it's wise to stay within the budget you've established by using our easy checklist." And so what if your budget doesn't include a gown by Christian Lacroix, Oscar de la Renta or John Galliano for Christian Dior, all of whom, the magazine tells us, are getting into the bridal market because "in today's rough-and-tumble economy, the bride is looking like a creative and lucrative means to an end"? You can at least enjoy the horoscopes and the truly unusual featured weddings in the back of the book. After all, I don't remember Martha ever highlighting a wedding to which the bride arrives by camel, do you? Then again, one of the things we learn from People magazine's Greatest Weddings of All Time special collector's edition is that Trudie Styler arrived to her wedding on horseback, led by Sting, her groom -- which, come to think of it, is sort of a pun on the word. You'll also learn that Barbra Streisand forbid the musicians to play "People" -- or any of her music -- on her big day. Oh, and so many other things too. Like that Prince Charles sent Diana a note before their wedding that revealed just what a show for the masses their nuptials really were: "Just look 'em in the eye and knock 'em dead." Hardly a mash note, but then again, probably good advice. Or that Lauren Bacall trembled and Humphrey Bogart cried at their intimate farmhouse ceremony back in 1945. Or that Eddie Murphy entertained the 500 wedding guests awaiting the arrival of his bride, Nicole Mitchell, by donning black sunglasses and doing his Stevie Wonder impression. Or that Bill Gates and Melinda French married atop what looks to me like a giant mound of dirt. (It's actually the 12th tee of a Cliffside golf course in Hawaii.) Or that Paul Newman actually left his first wife -- Jacqueline Witte -- and their three children to wed Joanne Woodward back in 1958, to make the marriage most often held up as the antithesis of the fickle flames of Hollywood love. There are scads more tidbits like this to savor in the magazine, not to mention all the fascinating photos. But my personal favorite section is "Multiple Marriages," dedicated to celebrities who trounced to the altar almost as often as they went to the loo. Sure, we all know Elizabeth Taylor has been married eight times, but how often do we get a chance to ponder each of her eight weddings -- and seven grooms? Or Frank Sinatra's four wives? (Really, what was that marriage to Mia Farrow about, anyway?) Or Zsa Zsa Gabor's vastly disparate wedding gowns? (She's walked down the aisle in nine of them over the years.) Or Mickey Rooney's eight wives -- several of whom don't appear to be very happy even on their wedding days? Or Joan Collin's five hubbies, four of whom look like they could be brothers? Though she hasn't made it to the "Multiple Marriages" section, Julia Roberts is featured twice -- once barefoot and marrying Lyle Lovett, and there again in pale pink, marrying cameraman Danny Moder in a secret July 4 ceremony last year. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's nuptials are featured in the "Matches Made in Hollywood" section, though we probably all know enough about them, as are Kelly Preston and John Travolta, who eloped to Paris after the planning for their big New York wedding spiraled out of control, and Liza Minnelli and David Gest, whose cake towered higher than, say, the fourth floor balcony from which groomsman Michael Jackson recently dangled his baby son. But one question, O People editors, where-oh-where is Jennifer Lopez? Perhaps she'll make it into "Multiple Marriages" in the next edition. A girl can dream ... ----------- Amy Reiter writes the "Nothing Personal" column for Salon.com. ----------- Are you obsessed with wedding magazines? Talk with other addicts in Kvetch |
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