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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Friday, May 30, 2008

THE IN-LAWS OF MY SIBLINGS

Dear Elise,

We are planning a wedding in 2009 with a guest list of 80-100 people. This list contains (at the moment) immediate family members and our closest friends. Do we have to invite in-laws of our siblings (whether our siblings are married/de-facto/with or without children)?

Honestly, I have no issues with my siblings' partners but I am unsure whether to invite their families if our own extended families are not.

- Happy & Hoping

Dear Happy and Hoping,

The only real policy about this question of your siblings' in-laws is that you need to be consistent with wedding invitations, especially when it comes to invitations to family.

So, if you're inviting the siblings, you will need to invite all of them and you'll also need to invite all of their spouses and partners, but you don't need to invite all of the immediate relatives of your siblings' partners. You can invite all of them, of course, but it is really not necessary.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:52 AM    <link>

DISINVITE INCREASINGLY SCARY PERSON?

Dear Elise,

My wedding is in a few months and the save the date cards and my shower invitations have been sent out. I have not yet had my shower. I have a coworker who recently moved across the country to work at another branch office. She used to sit next to me in my office and she already received a save the date card. The past few months have been extremely difficult for our friendship. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced, calls me 20 times a day when she is in town and even came to my best friends house wasted and took me outside (where I thought she was going to try to make out with me). I have already let her know she makes me feel very uncomfortable. We are not even really friends, but I feel bad for her.

The last straw happened when she sent an email to some of my other colleagues as well as the president of her company that we were best friends. I feel like she is stalking me.

It gets worse. I bought my dress and my bridal party's dresses at her mother's Bridal salon. None of the bridal parties dresses are in. Please help. I do not want to have her at my wedding or my shower, but I worry about my dress and about hurting her feelings. What can I do at this point? She really freaks me out and I don't think I should have to feel this way at this important time in my life.

Sincerely,

- Freaked Out

Dear Freaked Out,

This is a tricky spot.

Clearly your friend is having some sort of collapse. It is difficult to tell from your letter if you invited her to your wedding because you felt sorry for her or because you were friends but your relationship has eroded because of her eccentricity. Do you care about this woman? Do you think she is in need of professional help? Her behavior indicates that she very well may need some sort of psychiatric assistance.

Now to your concerns. If you are worried about your friend and your dresses are tied up at her mother's salon, it would be kind of you to talk to her mother and let her know that her daughter is behaving in a way that worries you. Don't paint your friend as a pathetic clingy person. Instead explain that her behavior has shifted dramatically and you are afraid that she is becoming unstable. That is a responsible gesture to make and one that might make it easier for her mother to look favorably upon you if you do disinvite your friend.

You also have a larger decision to make. If you do disinvite your friend to your shower and your wedding you will certainly upset her and probably her mother. Will it be harder on you for longer if you reject her than if you bit the bullet and include her at these two events? I can' answer the question but try to consider the big picture: all of the circumstances of your life before and after the wedding. In the rush of your wedding, you won't necessarily have to have any substantive contact with her. Would it be so bad if she were present? Only you know how bad her behavior is and whether it is worth it to you make such a big gesture.

As you probably can guess, there is no way to reject someone comfortably and there is certainly no way to do it without hurt feelings. If you really want to go through with it, be calm and direct and tell her that her behavior has worried and frightened you and that you don't feel comfortable with her coming to your wedding and shower. Don't negotiate or let her bully you. Clearly your friendship will be over at that point. Be prepared for fallout, whether from your friend or (less likely, but still possible) her mother. Every gesture has consequences, but just be firm but polite and be prepared to parry protests.

Congratulations and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:31 AM    <link>

STEPDAUGHTER'S SHOWER

Dear Elise,

My stepdaughter is getting married; her father and I have been married for 6 years and have two children. Her mother is paying for most of the wedding, however her father and I, and the groom's mother are also contributing. I feel that my stepdaughter doesn't respect my marriage. She recently told my husband that she wonders, if her relationship with him would have been different if my children and I did not exist. This is hurtful for many reasons, because I have always tried to encourage their father/daughter relationship and her relationship with her siblings, who she claims she wants in her wedding. When we were informed that her fiance was proposing, I planned a engagement dinner at our home for immediate families on both sides.

Where before I was exited about the wedding, I now want nothing to do with it. It is even hard to be in the same room with her, when she comes to visit. She only discusses the wedding with her father, even if I am in the room.

I just received a invite to her shower. I feel like I was just invited, so she could say she did. Do I go or not and do I address this with her prior to the shower/wedding?

Sincerely,

- To Go or Not to Go

Dear TG/NTG

Yours is not really a question of etiquette, though it does seem that your family is not behaving entirely well. Why did your husband tell you that his daughter told him that their relationship was made complicated (she only said "different" so I can't tell if she means "worse" or just "different") by his marriage to you? What did he tell her when she said that? You have told me the leading statements that should trigger some sort of dialogue in your family.

Now, to the shower. Why shouldn't you go? If you have something else you need to do or if travel is required you could sit it out. If you really don't want to go, you could also skip it, though in that case you may want to consider sending a token present with a nice note.

There are no hard rules here, but consider that your husband's daughter is feeling highly conflicted right now. She might not know how to handle her feelings about her father's remarriage (even though it is six years old) in the context of her own wedding. This doesn't excuse any rudeness or hostility but it can explain it. She may also not feel comfortable discussing the wedding plans with you because they involve money and she might feel odd talking about finances around you. This is just speculation on my part, but I offer it up not as a diagnosis but as an example of one of many possible causes for her behavior.

The only way around your frustration is to communicate. Decide for yourself if you want to go to the shower. It may help make you closer to her if you go and are good spirited about it. You can also cool down and ask your husband, without rancor, what he makes of his daughter's attitude and try to plan a way to modify it.

The last thing you want to do is make a big dramatic issue out of your step-daughter's pre-nuptial attitude. Some people go a little crazy around their weddings, so stick with her and try to ride out these events as if she had a fever. Once her delirium fades, you can start to work on strengthening your relationship, with your husband's help.

Cheers and good luck,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:32 PM    <link>

TIME BETWEEN WEDDINGS

Hello Elise,

I have had a friend from high school, for over ten years now, who has for the majority of this time, been seeing a boy. I have been anticipating that my friend and her partner would get engaged for a few years now, and this year they finally did. They set a date for the end of November. She immediately picked bridesmaids (relatives and another friend), and began planning a traditional wedding. I was not involved at all, which was disappointing, but not the end of the world.

I got engaged a month ago. My friend got my mass email announcement and then began to quiz me about my plans. I am planning to have a secret wedding celebration in October. Now she and I have been sharing some planning details with each other and she suddenly responded to my wedding date with a comment about how I am trying to steal her thunder and how she and her fiance should get a whole year in which to enjoy their wedding on their own. I was completely shocked by this. I had no idea the date would be an issue, and there is almost two months between them. We had been planning very different events with only one overlapping guest. At first, I responded with a degree of understanding.

Unfortunately, I believe my sympathy for her situation was taken to mean I would postpone my wedding until after "her year." I have no intention of doing so, and I can’t get my head around why it would be such an issue to have both the weddings at their planned dates. Things have become very nasty. She is accusing me of being dishonest and secretive, of trying to steal her big moment. She says she has spoken to many people and they all think I'm being terrible. She has called me names and insinuated I have been immature in not wanting to cancel my plans. Where do I go from here, what do I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

- Wedding Date Blues

Dear WDB,

Your friend is acting like a lunatic. I've written here before about how people are only entitled to reserve one day for their weddings- ONE day, not a week or a month, certainly not a year. What on earth is this woman thinking? If there is, as you say, more than a month between your nuptials and hers, you have a pretty substantial buffer, particularly if your guest lists don't have an enormous overlap and you aren't hoping that a lot of those overlappers have to travel.

So, to whatever extent you have done anything wrong, you made the mistake of thinking this woman is rational and someone who will understand explanations and respond well to them. Stop all of your activities. In fact, there is nothing your friend can tell you on this subject that you will find reassuring and happy-making, so your best plan is to stop all contact. Do not talk to her unless she communicates with you first. When she does ask about your wedding or if she makes an attempt to tell you that other people have a problem with your wedding date, change the subject. Tell her that you are not going to argue about this any more. If she tries to press you, say that there is nothing less interesting to you than fighting about wedding dates and that you aren't changing your plans.

It is possible that your friendship is broken, but all you can do is sit tight. Here are things to keep in mind: you aren't crazy, you aren't trying to bully your friend out of her wedding date, you aren't talking to or pretending to talk to all of your mutual friends about this non-issue. It is wildly unlikely that anyone you know could imagine anyone, let alone you, would get married just to inconvenience another person. And if someone does agree with your friend, that's just one more fool you won't have to deal with in the future.

Even if all you had going on right now was a plan to wash your hair and make a grocery list, you are still too busy to spend any more time thinking about this. Don't rise to the occasion or discuss this any more with your friend and when you stop taking the bait she will probably back off and if not, you did give it your best shot.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:35 AM    <link>

BUT I WANT PRESENTS

Dear Elise,

I was recently married and had a relatively modest ceremony and reception of about 100 people. I realize I may come off as sounding incredibly greedy, but I can't help but feel a little bit slighted that the majority of my husband's friends did not give us a gift. I know gifts are technically optional, but in the real world I feel they're pretty much mandatory. We have been dating for years, so I know their lack of gifts is not statement of disapproval. Most of my husband's friends do not have a lot of money, but I feel the least they could do is send a card or put up $10-$20 for a cheese grater as a gesture.

I'm certainly not expecting Waterford here, and our registry had a wide range of prices to choose from. Both our parents generously spent quite a bit of money to gather all our family and friends together for a fantastic party, and I feel that it's a bit disrespectful of his friends to just show up for free food and drinks with giving no thanks in return. Am I (somewhat) right in feeling slighted or should I just suck it up and get over it? Obviously we can't tell people to buy us gifts, but is there anything to be done with these etiquette-challenged friends?

- Greedy Giftlover

Dear GG

Well, what can you do, really? One of the basic policies of etiquette is that, unless one is someone's teacher, parent or guardian, it isn't one's job to point out the failings in others. This doesn't make the failings acceptable and it doesn't mean you can't find them irritating or be hurt by them. What it does mean is that you would do yourself a disservice to point at etiquette to discuss your emotions. If you're feeling bad about the friendship, there is where you should begin the discussion.

So, you can't really go to these friends and say: "You should know that you didn't give me a present and that's a grand faux pas." Doing that will only make you look sort of odd and grasping. This means that your options are to either let it go and continue the friendships or to terminate the friendships. Which are you in the mood to do? Of course, when these people get married or have a house warming or birthday party, you are in a position to make your own statement. You can give a present (which would probably offer a quiet revenge by making the recipient feel guilty for not having given one to you) or you can choose not to give a present and write a card instead. Either one of those gestures is perfectly acceptable. Since these are your husband's friends, how does he feel? What is the culture of this community of friends? Do these folks have an internal history of not giving wedding gifts?

I'm sorry you feel stung but I do think that what you're expressing has less to do with the gifts than a certain absence in the friendships, and that is the thing you want to address. Try to look around your guilt at feeling greedy and consider the circumstances of your friendship and then if you really can see no silver lining at all, count all of the missing presents and spend five minutes doing something you love to do for each present you didn't receive-- because they gave you the gift of time in not having to write thank you notes.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:09 AM    <link>

NAMING NAMES ON THE INVITATION

Hello Elise-

I've found a solution to my problem that satisfies me but that is probably going to send my somewhat volatile mother into orbit. To her credit, she very generously offered to pay for the wedding when she heard the good news. My father (they've been divorced for ages) has been mum on the subject of dough, so I assume he's not a factor in all of this. My fiance's mother, who doesn't have a lot of money, also generously offered to kick in a considerable sum, about a quarter of the wedding cost. My fiance and I are planning to cover several thousand dollars of it as well. How on earth do we deal with the invitation wording for something like this?

My mother seems to want the "old-fashioned" style invite, with her name at the top as hostess. But given that she's not paying for the entire thing (and also has begged off a number of hostess duties like dealing with RSVPs and general organizational help), this really doesn't feel like the right answer.) I also don't want to neglect my fiance's mom or, to be honest, the fact that we're doing practically all of the work ourselves. I've run the "Together with their families, John & Jane invite you" scenario by her, and she's doesn't seem too warm to the idea. most likely because she thinks that might be giving my father some credit where none is due.

Any brilliant wordsmithing and family politics tips for us?

Thanks,

- At A Loss for Words

Dear Loss for Words,

Yours is a common issue and it is important to keep in mind, always, with invitations, that your guests are not studying them to try to guess how much everyone contributed to the wedding budget. Sometimes people who offer quite a bit in money and resources would prefer not to be names while other people who could not afford to foot any bills are still listed on invitations. There is nothing strange about this, really, since "hosting" can be interpreted broadly and all the names on invitation are really doing is letting guests know that the invitation is coming from someone.

So, there are a couple of ways you could handle this. Would you and your fiance be comfortable leaving yourselves out of the host position on the invitation? If so, you could easily opt for the following format:

Bride's Mother's Name
and
Groom's Mother's Name
Request the honor of your presence. . . etc.

Naming absolutely everyone gets wordy and strange (and you get named twice):

Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
together with
Bride's Mother's Name
and
Groom's Mother's Name
Request the honor of your presence at the marriage of
Bride's name
and
Groom's Name

Your other option is, of course, the "together with their families" choice, but if that is going to cause too much friction, you may want to think seriously about compromising and leaving yourself out of the hosting part of the invitation. In the end, it doesn't matter how much people think you did or did not contribute to the wedding budget, and you may be happier with keeping the peace rather than making it a sticking point. Nothing is wrong with your solution, however, so if you want to put your foot down, you'll be on firm ground, even if your mother gets tetchy.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:10 AM    <link>

RESPONSE CARD MYSTERY

Dear Elise,

I have a question with probably a really simple answer, but it pertains to a good friend's wedding and I care about his feelings and don't want him to think I'm being rude at all.

On most RSVPs that I've received there are a couple of choices, something like: ___ accepts with pleasure and ___ declines with regret. This one only has a line for names (of me and my guest), and then a space indicating how many people will attend, which is an issue for me because I'm not going to be able to attend. I don't know how to reply and tell them that I'm not coming!

I think putting my name and then "zero persons will be attending" sounds a little rude, but they haven't left space for a personal note, and I don't know the bride's parents well enough to write them anything too personal. How do I respond on their card to indicate that I'm not coming, but not sound rude since there's no space for that option?

Thanks!

- Fill in the blank?

Dear Fill-in

It is interesting that some of the standard response cards leave people who find themselves unable to attend an event stuck with being uncomfortably abrupt. This arises from the act that response cards themselves are not traditional. Standard practice when faced with an invitation, regardless of whether one could or could not attend, was to write a brief note stating one's plans. Once the response card became standard practice, the format confuses people whose needs aren't answered by those prompts with blanks in front of them.

So, to your problem. In your case, there's nothing wrong with ignoring the prompts. Cross them out, draw an arrow directing the reader to flip the card over and write on the back of your response card a brief note saying that you are sorry you can't attend the wedding and that you send all of your best wishes instead.

A sincere note will always do just as well as any check mark or number you can write into an available box.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:12 AM    <link>

DO I INCLUDE HER?

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I have been VERY slow about asking the members of our wedding party to stand up, in fact, there is one bridesmaid we have yet to ask and our wedding is in 9 months. (We were engaged in November, 2007). My fiance's brother and his fiance are both standing up in our wedding, as is my brother, who just got engaged a couple of weeks ago, himself. He and I aren't very close and I don't know his fiance very well, although they have been together for about two years (we live in different states).

Is it wrong to leave her out of the wedding party? Should I ask her to be a bridesmaid even though we aren't close because my other future sister-in-law is in the wedding party? I'm not sure how I feel either way, in her place, I wouldn't be angry, but I don't want her to feel awkward or left out. She is not the kind of person to feel comfortable giving a speech and we are not planning on doing any readings at our ceremony.

What do YOU think?

- Wondering

P.S. Is my wedding party big enough? (5 girls and 5 guys)

Dear Wondering,

When you think about your wedding party, think also about your future. What do you want your relationship with your brother and his family to be like? What would be ideal?

Wedding parties can be any size, really and they don't have to be even on the bride's and groom's sides, so there's nothing really to prevent you from asking your brother's fiancee to join your wedding party from a practical or conceptual angle. You are correct that it would be a nice gesture of consistency to include her since you're including your other sister-in-law.

Wedding parties, really, can take on a huge range of symbolisms. They can exist to honor only those friends who have stuck by one since childhood, or they can represent one's feelings about one's family. They can be about reinforcing new friendships, affirming complicated relationships or all of the above.

If you don't invite your brother's fiancee to join your wedding party, you do run the risk of people noticing your decision. Whether or not she would care, have hurt feelings, or be relieved at not having another obligation is a question, I can't say. You might not be able to either, but consider a few things. Your wedding party is large enough to include one more without it becoming overwhelmed (due to large numbers) or awkward (because you really only planned to have one person stand up with you). Your gesture might go a long way towards warming up your relationship with your brother and at the very least, no one would question your decision to be inclusive.

It is up to you of course, and if you don't invite your future sister-in-law to join your wedding party, let her be a regular "civilian" guest; I don't recommend trying to invent another job or honor for her to do.

Think about what would work best for you.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:45 PM    <link>

HALLOWEEN AND THE REHEARSAL

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are having our wedding on November 1st. This makes the rehearsal dinner on October 31 st, which conflicts with Halloween. My Dad and Mom are divorced and my very young stepmother wanted my half sister who is 4 to be a flower girl. My fiance also wanted his nieces (who are 6 and 4) to be in the wedding as well.

Now I'm hearing from my soon to be mother-in-law and stepmother that the rehearsal dinner will conflict with the children's Halloween festivities. How come they are all so eager to make their children flower girls when I never wanted any to begin with, and then now complaining about their duties of being in the rehearsal? What gives?

Thanks,

- Hiss-Boo

Dear Hiss-Boo,

They are complaining because it is human nature to complain. The sorry part of this is that you feel more put upon because you didn't want to have flower girls in the first place. Having said that, it is very hard to work around a favorite holiday.

So, what do you do now? Well, what they are probably loudly hinting for is a rescheduled rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Could you do this, say, on Thursday the 30th? That might clear some things up. If rescheduling is not possible, you may have to resign yourself to the possibility that your stepmother and future sister(s)-in-law won't be able to attend your rehearsal dinner. Everyone has to make choices and Halloween is a big deal for small children. It would be very difficult for most parents to deny their kids those festivities, even for a big family event. If they can't make the dinner, perhaps you can plan to have the rehearsal itself in the afternoon, before the haunting starts. Then you can at least know that the girls will be prepared for your wedding.

I know this is a disappointment in some way and that it means people are putting their own domestic events ahead of your wedding plans, but there is not much you can do to fight this. In a way, you can consider the annoyingly early laments as a bit of a favor because they at least give you a chance to troubleshoot and prepare either by rescheduling the whole thing or carrying on without them.

Either way, neither you nor the parents of these children are committing any sort etiquette issue by sticking to your guns. You each have different things to prioritize and negotiate and that is all right. You may find that just acknowledging the issue and making some small gesture towards accommodating is enough to quell any bad feelings.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:12 AM    <link>

WANTING PRESENTS

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I are in a rather weird wedding situation. He is not a US citizen, and we are currently living abroad. We are moving to the US soon, so we have to get married before we move so that he can get a visa. Because of this, we will have two wedding ceremonies (a legal ceremony where we live now that will include only the two of us and allow us to file his paperwork, followed by another small celebratory ceremony once we are back in the US).

We don't plan on having a formal reception at this point because we cannot afford it. We are both students and have no wedding budget, which is why we are keeping the ceremonies so small. None of our parents has offered to help financially, either. Since we will be moving from abroad though, we are leaving everything behind and literally starting from scratch, and we really desperately need wedding gifts to help us set up our new life!

I have been trying to brainstorm how we can register and ask for gifts even though we cannot afford to invite most of our friends to the wedding. Do you have any ideas on how we could encourage people to send gifts without inviting them to the wedding? It's not as though we want to exclude people, we just cannot afford to host a big event.

Also, would it be rude to contact people via an engagement announcement and ask if they would be interested in attending the wedding ceremony so that I can get an idea of how many people would actually want to come? I wasn't even planning on sending out formal invitations since there will not be a reception or party afterwards. I really just figured it would be my family, but I don't want friends and acquaintances to feel excluded if they really wanted to be there. I guess it is probably too risky to send out invitations to like 50 people, in hopes that only about 10 of them will RSVP that they are attending. . . but that way we might get more wedding presents.

I am really feeling lousy about what to do in this situation! I don't want to come across as being greedy for presents and wanting to exclude people. I am just working with really limited resources!

- Hopelessly Broke Bride

Dear HBB,

You are indeed stuck on this. You're mostly in a great spot. You're about to get married and start a new chapter of your lives together in a new country. Interesting times are before you.

But you really can't use your wedding as a means to fund your future. It just can't work that way. Here is what you can do. You can get married and invite only the people you would like to invite and can accommodate to witness your wedding ceremonies. You can register for presents so that anyone who wants can get you something. You can send out a wedding announcement after the fact (and you can also include your new address in with the announcement).

Of course I appreciate your needs and interests, but this is not the way to pursue matters. It isn't really up to your family and friends to set you up, which doesn't mean that people won't send presents when they hear you have gotten married. This is all to say that you shouldn't think of your wedding as a means to a newly appointed home, no matter how much you need things. You simply can't put out an all-points bulletin with your requests.

Your letter indicates that the question of gifts is in the front of your mind, but if you are also feeling unhappy about not being able to invite too many people to your nuptials, know that you can always have a vow renewal or anniversary party in the future where you have the reception you didn't have or your wedding.

There are, of course, a number of relatively inexpensive reception options that would enable you to celebrate immediately. You could even just have your friends gather for cake and a toast of some sort after the ceremony (just time this for the middle of the after noon or some other non-meal time.

Play it safe. You are correct that the last thing you want is to be thought of as greedy or demanding. So actively pursuing wedding presents is not going to be the way to go. (It is also worth mentioning that even more financially comfortable brides and grooms who have lavish weddings rarely see anything like a profit when it comes to their wedding gifts.)

Keep it simple and invite only as many people as you can afford to your wedding and send out an announcement after the fact to let people know that you've done the deed.. (Do not, by the way, put your registry information on the invitation or announcement. If people want to know, they will ask you.

In the long run, you'll be happier and much more comfortable if you move to protect your relationships.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:29 PM    <link>

WHEN WILL SHE SAY?

Dear Elise,

I have a dear friend/coworker who was invited to our upcoming wedding with a guest. She has been single for over 2 years. When I began to plan my wedding, I insisted on inviting all singles with guests. This particular friend takes the whole guest issue very personally.

For instance, I take part in the planning of our company holiday party. This year I was asked to try and come up with a politically correct way of implying that employees are welcome to bring spouses/significant others/life partners, but not some random friend or date for the night. When I asked her for advice she refused to help me, refused to attend the party, and did not speak to me for several days! She said: "What makes your significant other any more significant than mine, because you sleep with them??!"

Now, with just 3 weeks left until my wedding, she has yet to RSVP. When I asked her she said, "Can't you just put me down and if I bring someone I do, if not, I don't." I am having a restaurant wedding and she said: "It's not like you're having a sit down dinner, and how much is it a head anyway?" (Actually I am, and the price is none of her beeswax.)

I don't want to cause an argument, or even make her upset. However, I need a final count. Any advice? Thank you,

- Plus 1 Regrets...

Dear Plus 1 Regrets,

When do you need a final head count? Surely your venue or caterer has given you a date for this. You won't be starting an argument with your friend by telling her that you need to know how many people are going to be attending by whatever the magic date is and that you need to plan the seating charts, so if she hasn't told you that she plans to bring someone, you'll have to assume she is going to go stag. That's the beginning and end of it.

Things are getting down to the wire now, but I would tell her this and then not mention it again until the day you need to know the answer.

Clearly your friend is bucking to make a political issue out of your needing to know if she's bringing someone to your wedding, when actually, it is just a courtesy to let your hosts know not just whether you'll be coming with someone on your arm, but the name of that someone as well. You are right that she's being a pain, but there's nothing you can do to correct this quirk of hers. She's defensive and weird and there's nothing you can do about that.

Don't argue with her and don't talk to her about catering costs and other issues. Just firmly tell her that you need to know and you want to see her at your wedding whether or not she has a date. If the day arrives with no response from her, ask her directly (on the phone or in person) if she can come one more time. Give her every opportunity but be sure to let her know about your own requirements with as little emotion as possible.

This is a drag, but try to be patient a little longer. Some day, she'll be over this sensitivity and you can forget how annoying she was on this point.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:04 AM    <link>

WHAT TO WEAR: MEN'S EDITION

Hello Elise,

As a groom, I am struggling with what to wear during my wedding given the details of our event, which follow: My fiancee will be wearing a mermaid style dress in silk shantung, natural color, with a chapel length train. (To my knowledge, no veil or gloves.)

The ceremony will be at 4 PM, outdoors in a small public garden for immediate family and close friends. It will be a brief civil service with no attendants. This will be followed by a larger cocktail hour and reception beginning at 5 PM, with a buffet-style dinner at a nice hotel. The reception will include a DJ and dancing.

These are the things I am wondering about: As the ceremony is prior to 6 PM, is this considered a daytime wedding? Or is it more appropriate to think of our event as an evening wedding, since a dinner reception is planned? Because my fiancee's dress has a train, does this mean it is strictly formal or, as a chapel-length train, can it pass for semi-formal? If it is appropriate for me to wear a tuxedo, are some of the newer "formal suits" with a long tie appropriate to wear, or are these considered in poor taste?

I have been offered many conflicting views on all these points. I appreciate any advice you can spare.

Thank you,

- Confused Groom

Dear CG

You're right to be confused. Things are confusing because formality has been sadly neglected. Once there was an extraordinarily strict protocol for men's wedding attire. Today, many people aren't aware that there could be a distinction between what one would wear to a formal daytime affair versus an evening wedding. So your caution is to be commended but if you make elaborate efforts, there is a good chance they will go unnoticed. This is not to say that you shouldn't, though. There are no "if a tree falls in the forest" questions when it comes to etiquette, since the protocols work because they are largely invisible.

Moving on, you are correct that your wedding ceremony is going to take place during the day (before 6:00 p.m.) and as a result, if you were to wear the standard formal tuxedo, you'd be wearing it a couple of hours too early (hardly the worst crime-- this is something you could wear and not be accused of wrongdoing). But if you're nervous or if you want to keep things extremely proper, you could observe these traditions.

For the most formal daytime wedding, grooms would wear a morning coat or cutaway. These are long fitted jackets with tails. It takes quite a lot to pull these off, since they have an air of the 19th century about them (and there's nothing wrong with that). Other accessories: bow tie and waistcoat.

Men's semiformal daytime wedding attire is a grey coat and trousers and a waistcoat and informal garb is a dark suit.

Exceptionally formal evening dress is a black tailcoat (those tails again) and white wing collar shirt and bow tie while the standard tuxedo we all know and love was considered semiformal evening attire when these rules were set out.

You will observe that in all of these rules there is no mention of what the bride plans to wear. All you must do, as a matter of etiquette, is match the formality of your wedding to the time of day and you get your answer.

You ask about these new formal suits with long ties and I can only say that the suits sound perfectly safe. As for the ties, I must remain neutral since they arrived from the planet of fashion, something about which I am ill qualified to advise, particularly men's fashion. You could certainly get away with it since you are having a semiformal event.

What do you want to wear? What can you pull off comfortably? It is wonderful that you want your clothes to match the tone of your bride's, but as long as you stick with the semiformal-to-formal palate, you'll be fine.

Cheers to you and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:10 AM    <link>

WHEELING AND DEALING

Dear Elise,

My parents went through a very nasty divorce 20 years ago. My mom moved my brother and me to another state. My father stayed where I was born. They have always been horrible to each another, but my brother and I have had a great relationship with both of them. They have always argued over money and now I am planning my wedding.

It is in the divorce agreement that they split my wedding. Mom is refusing to pay for her half, she believes she has paid for more in my life than my father has. Dad is fine with the 50/50 split but says that if I have it in his hometown he will pay for the entire thing. (This is a swipe at my mother, he’ll get all the decision making power).

I spent every summer in this town that my Dad lives in and swam for the country club where we'd have the reception at for 10 years. My mother is VERY hurt I would even consider having it in the town where he lives. We had a huge fight last night when I told her I was considering it.

I live in a town that is neither my mom's nor dad's, and I was originally going to plan it here so I didn't have to deal with this issue. But the more I see how much I am going to have to do, the more daunting it looks. I would be doing everything by myself. If I had it in my dad's town, his wife would plan a majority of it and if I had it in my mom's town I can see us fighting a lot based on the past two weeks since I have been engaged.

Any suggestions?

- Caught

Dear Caught,

I can't tell you any magic words that will make everyone happy and contented, but perhaps there is a way you can put things into perspective such that you can figure out what you want to do and how to negotiate things with your parents.

What would you like best if all things were equal? Would you really be happiest getting married where your mother lives, where you currently live or where your father resides? That decision alone can help guide you.

It sounds as if you feel your mother is being a little irrational in the style of her refusal to contribute to the wedding budget and her outrage that you would consider having the wedding on your father's turf. Her bluster may be an attempt to mask a genuine fear about having to deal with him on his territory. Keep this in mind in your dealings with her. She is probably feeling quite vulnerable and will be prone to being defensive.

She may be right to feel lousy, since you point out that your father is trying to hurt her by bribing you to get married in his neck of the woods. So if you do decide to get married in your father's town, there are a few safeguards you can take. Come up with a short list of elements that you and your mother can plan together (dress selection is an obvious choice, here, but you may have others you feel more comfortable about). This will give your mother a chance or two to help and to feel included. You should also be prepared to face some discomfort about the invitation. Your mother may feel quite let out if her name doesn't appear on the invitation, regardless of her lack of financial contribution. You will have to decide whether or not to fight to have her named and everyone will almost certainly have something to say about whatever you decide.

On the other hand, you may find it is more comfortable to take the smaller amount of money that your father is offering if you get married somewhere other than his town and have your wedding on a smaller scale where you live (neutral territory, but more work for you). This scenario might be easier for you emotionally.

Only you can figure out which of the locations is right for you. Are you attached to the country club because that is where you swam as a child? Are you attached to the town you grew up in with your mother? Does your fiance have any opinions that would help you?

You aren't going to get out of this without some sort of sacrifice. You will need to decide if it takes the form of convenience or money or patience or your mother's peace of mind. No matter what you decide to do, as long as you are honest and careful with everyone's feelings, you'll be behaving well. Try not to let yourself be manipulated, but if you have the wedding where you want it, do your best to offer indulgences (such as your mother's name on the invitation, in addition to those of your father and step-mother) even if she isn't contributing financially) that will go a long way.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:57 PM    <link>

SHARING THE BURDEN (THANK YOU NOTES)

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I would like to share thank you note duties for our wedding gifts, but I am confused about how to divide the labor. On one hand, it seems appropriate for me to write to my family and friends, and he to his. On the other hand, I would also like the chance to write to his family, as I don't know them well and would like them to know how grateful I am for their gifts. Is it more appropriate for us to switch, and each write to the other's family and friends instead?

Also, my shower was very close (2 weeks) to the wedding. If I don't get all the thank you notes out before the wedding (and believe me, I'm trying to!), is it appropriate to thank a guest for both their shower and wedding gift on the same note? I'm concerned I will otherwise be sending two notes to the same person at the same time!

- Many Thanks to Give!

Dear Many Thanks,

You are, to a small extent, overthinking the thank yous. What is most important is that they get written. Authorship is a secondary concern except in special cases. I suspect you know what those special cases might be. (If you know, for instance, that your fiance's grandmother is extremely traditional and would worry that the reason her thank you note had been penned by her beloved grandson and not boy you is that you somehow didn't manage to survive the honeymoon, it would be in your best interests to write the thing yourself.)

So if it is easiest for you to take the whole list and swap families/friend groups, you can absolutely do that. You could also take the pragmatist's approach and have whichever one of you is not walking the dog that night take on note-writing duties. Or you could take turns. Dividing the labor can only be a good thing, so cheers to your cooperative effort.

As for your shower notes, you can combine the thanks for the shower gift and the wedding present in one note if you find you'll be getting them out at the same time. You don't need to do anything weird or stilted or send two notes under separate cover. Just be sure to specifically acknowledge both presents in your letter and you'll be fine.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:56 AM    <link>

MUCH ADO OVER TWO GUESTS (REHEARSAL QUIBBLE)

Dear Elise,

My only son (my only child) is getting married very soon. I have been a single mother since he was 2, he is now 25. Since the wedding is on a Sunday and the rehearsal is on a Friday, that gave us an entire day to do something novel, and have a rehearsal party on the lake all day Saturday. So, since the wedding falls on a major tourist here and hotels and restaurants for rehearsal dinners are at a premium, I rented a lake house for 2 weeks and have invited the groomsmen and their significant others to stay there.

I will also host the Rehearsal Party there. My son's father has bailed on any financial obligation so the entire event has fallen to me to plan and pay for. Since I enjoy cooking, I decided that in order to cut expenses, I would do the cooking for the party. Renting the house, party rentals, food expenses and paying for for all of the other expenses have really added up.

Now my son's fiancee has decided that she wants to keep the rehearsal dinner a private intimate affair with just close family and friends. I have two very close friends who live far away but with whom I'm in frequent contact. They have supported me and my son for over 20 years, and I really want to have them at the party, and they have offered to help me set up and clean up.

Now my son is siding with his bride and says he doesn't want them at the party. He says that they don't want to make intimate speeches in front of people they don't know. The bride is inviting a high school friend who is traveling from out of state, and whom she hasn't seen in 15 years. My invitation list is much smaller than theirs and I don't have a large family circle, my friends are my family I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable about insisting they attend or should I call them and hurt their feelings? Please help. I await your thoughts and respect your suggestions.

Most sincerely,

- Distraught Mother

Dear DM,

You've taken excellent care of your son's wedding, and I think I can say without being too far off base that you've gone above and beyond the call when it comes to planning this party.

Here is the key thing to remember: you are hosting this rehearsal event (on a big scale). You are paying for it, cooking for it, planning it. You are permitted to have some leeway when it comes to the guest list.

Generally, ideally, rehearsal party guest lists are created with a degree of compromise, so that the wishes of the wedding couple and the hosts (if the wedding couple isn't doing it all themselves) are taken into consideration. What you are asking does not sound extravagant. You want to have two close friends attend this party. That is fair enough. (You don't mention how many people are going to be invited to this party but unless the event is something truly "intimate" and the only guests were immediate family and the wedding party your two friends should hardly merit so much comment and protest.)

You don't need to play tit-for-tat or think about the bride's guest list, and how many invitations you have been allotted to the wedding. All you need to keep in mind is that you are the host, these guests are important to you, and you aren't talking about overwhelming the situation with so many people that the tone of the event will change.

So tell your son and his future wife that this is not something you want to compromise on. You want these guests at the rehearsal and the wedding. You have extended yourself very far to ensure that your son and his fiancee and their friends will be comfortable, and this is important to you. If they protest about the "intimate" toasts (and, really, if it is a toast being spoken in front of a crowd, it isn't intimate), you can suggest that since the whole crowd is staying together, they can gather everyone before they go to bed recite their intimate words in the wee hours.

Don't be afraid of your son or his fiancee. This is not unreasonable or weird of you, so be firm, not hysterical or upset, not overly emotional, just let them know that this is important and this is the way it will be. You don't want this to be a breaking point or something that undermines your happiness at the wedding but you also need to make your desires known and since you are hosting, you are permitted more flexibility.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:36 AM    <link>

DIVORCED ON THE INVITATION

Dear Elise,

If I were to list my parents' names on an invitation, I would write "Peter and Sally Smith." However, my boyfriend's parents are divorced but remain very close friends. His mother kept her last name. Do I list them as "John and Jane Doe" or "John Doe and Jane Doe"? I don't want it to look weird that our parents' names are listed differently, but I also don't want to give the impression that his are still married when they are not.

Thank you,

- Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I hope it comes as a reassuring surprise that there is a traditional format for people in your divorced in-laws' situation.

Traditionally, one would put each parent's name on a separate line (the woman's name appearing first).

So in your case:

Mr. and Mrs. Peter and Sally Smith
and
Mrs. [or Ms.] Jane Doe
and
Mr. John Doe
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of. . .

Of course, you can always vary the language to you’re your purposes. Here's hoping that does the trick

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:49 AM    <link>

Etiquette: Late Night on the Air

What are you doing tomorrow night?

If you're not out gallivanting, tune in to hear me on WOR radio's Joey Reynolds Show.

Whoever said comportment is useless after dark?

posted by Elise at 1:51 PM    <link>

HANDLING GUESTS

Dear Elise,

We sent out the wedding invites and so far one person has sent back the response card and added a guest to it. How do I handle this and any possible future response cards where guest is added? There is no room at the chapel for extra guests and I don't feel like paying for a meal and drinks for a guest at the reception for someone we don't even know.

Also, I have a feeling people will come to our wedding and not get us a gift because we are only registered at a large home store, and we are only registered for gift cards. So some people may be confused and not get us anything. Which is fine but do we send out a Thank You note to folks who attend the wedding but do not get us a gift? Basically thanking them for coming?

Thank you,

- What to Say?

Dear What to Say,

Guest protocol is always a tricky business but you don't have to be a their mercy.

If you don't want extra guests for any reason (space issues, money issues, etc.) you can absolutely do something about people who add dates to their response cards. You must call the people up and tell them patiently and kindly that you are sorry but you can't accommodate any additional people. This isn't rude or mean. It is a fact of life that events have constraints on them. People may grumble but the final word is that you can't make exceptions because if you do it once, you must give all of your single guests the option of bringing a companion and this isn't possible.

Now, you do not have to send a thank you note to people for attending your wedding. People who have destination weddings often send out thank you cards to everyone because of the travel and expense involved but fundamentally, thank you notes are really most crucial when a present has been given. If the mood strikes you to thank your guests for coming, feel free to write a note, but it is not a problem if you don't.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:23 AM    <link>

KEEP MUM ON COSTS

Dear Elise:

We live in New York and our daughter’s wedding reception will cost $125 per person. About 200 people will be invited. Is it inappropriate to state on the reception invitation the price per plate?

When I go to a wedding, I want to give a gift to, at least, cover the meal. Is this idea in poor taste?

- Mother of the Bride-to-be

Dear MOB-T-B

New York, New York, the city so nice they named it twice is indeed a pricey place but it is also a burg where comportment is important and to that end, I will tell you with absolute certainty that you should not at any time on any part of your daughter's wedding reception invitation tell people how much you are spending on the event.

The whole notion of "paying for plates" is, in itself, an unpleasant one. Would you honestly not invite someone if you felt he or she couldn't afford your price of admission? Certainly that approach undermines the classical reception invitation language, which only requests that the hosts enjoy the pleasure of their guests' company.

Really, guests should figure out how much to spend on a wedding gift based on their own abilities and interests. They shouldn't have to feel conflicted or guilty or uncomfortable about their choices. It doesn't even really make sense to think in these terms since one should not go into planning any sort of celebratory event with an eye towards recovering one's expenses in cash and gifts.

Set aside the idea of reimbursement and concentrate on having a wonderful celebration. If it feels that you are spending too much and you find yourself more and more craving compensation from your guests, perhaps you could consider retrenching and scaling back your plans. It would be much better for you to save money than risk feeling irritated with your guests for not, in effect, paying for their meals.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:17 AM    <link>

HOW TO ANNOUNCE?
Double Header

Dear Elise,

understand that wedding announcements should be sent right after the wedding has taken place. But how late is too late? I have a few people I now wish I had sent an announcement to. If I was married two weeks ago, am I too late?

Thank you.

- Hitched

Dear Elise,

After originally planning a fairly elaborate wedding, my fiance and I became completely overwhelmed and have now decided to have a tiny wedding, which is more our style anyway. Is it tacky to send out wedding announcements afterwards to our friends and relatives?

I don't want it to seem like a gift grab, I just want to have some vaguely official announcement that we're now hitched. And if doing so is not tacky, what kind of wording should we use (we'd prefer something not too formal).

Thanks,

- Thank God for Small Weddings

Dear Hitched and TGFSM,

Wedding announcements, while not a required nuptial stationery element, can be extremely helpful, depending on your circumstances.

If you're having a very small wedding or get married with little planning or fanfare, an announcement can be an excellent way to get the word out. You could even combine it with the "at home card" tradition, which lets people know your address (if it is changing) and last names (whether they are changing or not). Sending announcements won't look like a demand for presents, so you can rest easy on that front.

Wedding announcements should always be sent after the wedding. Announcing that something has happened before the fact is practically begging the Irony Gods to pay you a visit (which nobody wants) and, as a practical matter, wedding announcement language is similar enough to wedding invitation language that there is room for confusion (and no one wants to think he's a guest if he isn't one). They are usually sent as close to the wedding as possible but there is plenty of flexibility if the wedding couple is, say, on a honeymoon and can't post the announcement until they return. One doesn't have years, but a few weeks is within the realm of reason.

Traditional wedding announcements can be sent from the wedding hosts or the wedding couple and let people know when and where the wedding took place.

Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Finch
have the honor of
announcing the marriage of their daughter
Virginia Kaye
to
Mr. Field Everett Greens
Saturday, the ninth of February
Two thousand and eight
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Or

Virginia Kaye Finch
and
Field Everett Greens
announce their marriage
Saturday, the ninth of February
Two thousand and eight
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Of course, you may alter the language as you choose, but that's the meat of it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:58 AM    <link>

TRICKY TITLE

Dear Elise,

When a Senator and is wife are hosting the wedding for their daughter, what is the correct wording on the top invitation line? Is it: "Senator and Mrs. John Doe request the honour of your presence."?

Thank you,

- Querying

Dear Querying,

Assuming the senator's wife does not have a title herself or use her own last name, the most formal, "offical" terms of address would be:

The Honorable John Doe and Mrs. Doe

If she uses her last name, and has no other professional title (such as Dr.) the format would look like:

The Honorable John Doe and Ms. Jane Roe

Having said that, it could be argued that because the wedding is happening in the senator's private life, he may prefer to use the "Senator and Mrs. John Doe" format that you suggested.

You would also use the title "Senator" on place cards.

Cheers,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:51 AM    <link>

STUBBORN FATHER, HARD REQUEST

Hi Elise,

We are having a small-ish wedding (hopefully 80) people. The fiance and I are paying for the whole thing ourselves, and have kept the guest list to the bare minimum. Now the issue: my parents are divorced (8 years now, but wounds still show up during these types of things) and my dad who is recently remarried, is insisting that his "best friends" get invited to my wedding. The problem with these friends is that they make my mom sick to be around. I am neutral to them, but saddened that they have hurt my mom.

I told my father a gentle but firm "no" after his 6th phone call to urge me to consider inviting them, but after hearing no, he called back to push even harder. What makes it even messier is that my Dad is a minister, and is the officiant of our ceremony. If I insist that his friends aren't invited, he'll be angry throughout the lead up to the wedding and that'll cause me some incredible grief, but I also don't want to put my Mom in a position of additional discomfort. She's had far more than her share with many of the people who will be present that day.

My father did offer to pay for his friends, (would rather his friends stayed home and that money was a contribution to our wedding) but the real issue is a two-parter: I resent the additional upset to my mom, and I resent being pushed to invite extra people to my tiny wedding. I want to have a good relationship with my Father, and he has been very wonderful & helpfully involved in the planning (I talk to him almost every day - like a bridemaid, poor guy).

But I feel stuck in the middle. No matter what decision I make, I upset a parent. I have already explained to my father calmly, in person, the two parts of the issue, but continues to push for what he wants. Thoughts?

Thanks,

- The Middle Child

Dear Middle Child,

This isn't really a question of etiquette, per se. It is neither wrong nor right for you to invite your father's friends and the crux of the problem is out of your hands: both of your parents need to act like adults. It is not at all uncommon for people to find themselves attending weddings with former friends and former spouses. As a general matter, and this is nothing you can control but it bears mentioning, everyone should learn how to grin and bear ex-encounters and look at things in perspective. It is unlikely that seeing a former spouse or lover will do extensive damage. One needn't speak to the former spouse, and creating an attitude of powerful remoteness with respect to the ex can make one feel quite good about oneself. It is a little like enduring some intense dental work, unpleasant but an improvement once it's over.

But this doesn't really address your problem. How does your mother feel about your father's request? Would she be gracious and shrug it off even thought these people are unpleasant? If she says she can handle their presence, then you are in good shape. And what does your father want you to do with these people, anyway? Can you seat them anywhere you like at the reception, read: far away from your mother? If you invite them, you can still take steps to protect her feelings and show her that you're thinking of her and want her to be happy in spite of some necessary evils.

Any way around it you will have to compromise and disappoint someone. Do you want to draw the line in the sand with your father and tell him that his friends can't come, that it isn't a question of money so much as it is a question of respect for your mother and that you don't want to hear about it any more? (And by the way, I suspect his trying to make a money issue out of this is an attempt to make you feel petty and distract you from the real reasons you want to exclude his pals.) You can do that. You could also ask why it is so important for him to have his friends at the wedding, knowing that it puts you in such an impossible position.

Figure out which of your parents can be the most grown up about the situation and make your choice accordingly. Then, be sure to let your cooperative parent know how much you appreciate the compromise and that you understand this is complicated and hard. In the end, this is all you can do when faced with an intractable situation. You will have to ask for help and with any luck, one of your parents will be the bigger person for your sake.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:23 AM    <link>

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