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Friday, March 26, 2010

SHE WANTS A MAGNET & SHE WILL HAVE ONE!

Hi Elise,

Preparations for our wedding have been going well, and we are blessed to have had zero drama from either of our families until now. The perpetrator is my fiance's aunt (I'll call her Mary) who lives far away and this will probably be the only time in our lives we have to deal with her.

When we sent our save the dates, we sent one per household. Mary has two adult children (I'll call them Bill and Sue). Bill lives with Mary, but Sue does not. We sent one save the date magnet to Mary and Bill at her home, and a separate magnet to Sue at her home. Mary then called my fiance's mother to complain that she and Bill only got one magnet and will need another, since Sue got one of her own. She is notoriously difficult and has a reputation for being particularly thorny towards my fiance's parents, who usually do what they can to accommodate her demands even though it irks them.

MY fiance's parents have gone so far as to make sure there is a hotel room available to her that accommodates dogs, is non-smoking, has two beds and is handicap accessible. She was notified of this six months ago, and has yet to book the room, which is technically up for grabs to any of the guests who might choose to book it. They did this because of the fit she threw at their other son's wedding because the room didn't fit her specifications. If she waits too long she will not have a place to stay, and will likely throw a fit that will take up much of the Father of the Groom's time the weekend of our wedding.

I hate this kind of rude, bullying behavior, and would like to send her a sweet card letting her know how sorry I am that we only purchased enough Save the Dates to send one per household, and that I hope she understands and wasn't caused any undue stress (I'm sure her adult son wouldn't mind sharing, they only have one fridge to put the magnet on, right?) The other option is to just bite the bullet and send another magnet (we actually do have extras). I'm worried, however that this will set up the expectation for two invitations to arrive in the mail, which I would prefer not to do as they are not cheap. I feel that she continues to act this way because people do bend over backwards to accommodate her, which just gives her ample time to look for something ELSE to complain about. I would prefer to nip it in the bud with a sweet, and pleasant but firm note from me, the bride (not the parents of the groom) in order to manage her expectations. I would also like to include the number for the hotel and a quick note about how it is important to book before it gets too late and the rooms are gone.

I am writing you because I have a feeling that the right thing to do might be to simply send a magnet, expect some tantrums from her during the wedding weekend, and consider her "free entertainment" since I may never have to deal with this woman again.

Thanks!

Peeved

Dear Peeved,

Your fiance's aunt is without question, a piece of work. Is she also a hoarder? Very few people put so much energy into demanding extra refrigerator magnets.

You do understand that there is nothing you can do that will interfere with or interrupt this woman's spite juggernaut. You will not beat her at this game. You can, however, behave in a way that makes some sense to you. Try to control your temper because this is not someone likely to learn a lesson. If you have an extra magnet you can send her way, you may as well pop it in the mail and be glad that it is one less thing you'll have to deal with a few years from now when you try to clean up your desk area.

As for your other issues, you may want to include a note warning her to reserve her hotel room before it gets booked up. And if you feel comfortable and deeply feel that you don't want to send two to the same house, you can add that you've already ordered your wedding invitations and will be sending one to each household, but that you would never want her to be confused about who is invited so she should know that when she sees both her name and her son's name on the envelope that you are looking forward to seeing both of them at your nuptials.

Whether that is the whole truth is not really her concern.

She may complain about this anyway. You could work hard to accommodate her and try to make her happy, or you could take bets on what she is likely to complain about first. Either route you take is fine, as long as you are gracious and not petty about it, which is why you may as well send her that magnet.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 10:19 AM    <link>

THEY'RE RUDE! WILL THEY COME ANYWAY?

Dear Elise,

My mother's brother and his wife have been a problem for my family for many years.

This past winter, my brother got married and after much waffling on the issue, invited my aunt and uncle to the wedding as a courtesy to my grandmother. They sent back their response card without a note, just "no" checked off. When my grandmother asked why they couldn't attend, they claimed financial constraints (though the wedding was at most a two and a half hour drive away). As the wedding drew closer, my aunt, who had never met my sister-in-law, was inadvertently (honest!) left off the invite list for the bridal shower. When my uncle found out from my grandmother, he was horribly offended, while admitting that she wouldn't have come anyway. He sent my mother a nasty e-mail, saying we'd disrespected his wife. After all of this, my brother wrote a carefully worded e-mail to my uncle calling him out and requesting that he call my brother if he has any response. Of course, my uncle mentioned it to his mother instead.

So, now I'm engaged and faced with the same predicament! We're planning a local destination wedding and are hoping to have guests join us for a long weekend. We don't even have to send save-the-dates for at least six months, but I'm at a loss on how to approach my aunt and uncle. My fiance doesn't want to invite them at all, but I'm wary of putting my grandmother and mother in the middle of that argument. I've considered reaching out to them to ask if we should bother sending them an invitation, but I don't want to deal with any sort of mean-spirited "invite us and find out" response. What seems like the easiest idea is to invite both to the wedding and invite my aunt to the bridal shower, but hope they say no (which they most likely will).

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

- Baffled Niece

Dear Baffled,

Well, you're right. The easiest thing to do with close, if obnoxious, family members is to be gracious but not take the bait they offer. If you invite them and they don't come, they're doing you a favor. You don't want to see them. No one wants to see them. It doesn't matter why they don't come; in fact, the less you know about their thoughts or feelings or interests, the happier you'll be.

Is there any reason not to invite your horrible uncle and aunt? They're clearly primed to take offense, so you won't really spare yourself any bile or outrage by not inviting them. The best approach is to treat them as if you don't really know them or their unpleasant ways very well. Send them a save the date card and don't follow up or ask about their intentions. Send your uncle's wife and invitation to your shower and hope she decides not to come. Invite them to your wedding and when they send back a terse, wordless response card, don't ask why they can't come. You don't want to see them.

The best way to ensure the most silence from these people is to treat them with maximum civility and then ignore them.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 4:02 AM    <link>

FLATWARE CONUNDRUM

Hi Elise,

My fiance and I recently received an engagement gift of sterling silver flatware from a relative who lives in another state. She received the flatware as a gift a long time ago and realized she would never use it. So she passed it on as an engagement gift to us.

The thing is, we weren't planning on asking for china or any other "fancy" dinnerware. We live in a teeny apartment in San Francisco and consider ourselves a rather laid back couple (we're serving BBQ at our wedding!).

We found out that each place setting costs over $500!! Neither of us feels comfortable eating off of a $100+ fork when we have perfectly fine everyday silverware that we love. Is it acceptable for us to sell the silverware to help pay for the wedding?

She's not attending our wedding because she's afraid to fly (and for the same reason is never going to visit us). We're not sure what to do. We feel morally obligated to keep the flatware, but also feel like it's a bit extensive to eat off of such expensive items.

What are your thoughts?

Thanks!



Fulfilled

Dear Fulfilled,

Well, the first argument for keeping the present is that the silverware will never know if you use it to eat take out Mexican food or painstakingly prepared loup de mer en croute. You never know when you'll have a dinner party and discover that you're short some forks, or if someday you'll feel like playing fancy and want to crack out the fish knives. You haven't been given a set of artichoke plates (which . Flatwear can be endlessly useful, sterling silver or not.

It probably wouldn't be a terrible thing if you decide to sell the flatware but you may want to pause before you make this move. The flatware may wind up having a sentimental significance for you, or you may want to hang on to it for a while in a nod to your relative. You may not keep it forever, but it may not be worth treating it as something so easily expendable. Even if it is highly improbable that your relative is going to make inquiries or visit you and discover that you sold the flatware, it may be a good idea to hang on to it at least until your wedding. (This is assuming that you aren't in desperate straits where selling it would be the only practical choice you could make.) Live with it for a while, try using it, even, and then see if it has a place and meaning in your life.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 3:57 AM    <link>

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

Hello Elise,

I am recently engaged and have been in a bit of a spot with my fiancee as far as what was tradition or "rule" in the location of our wedding. There seems to be some debate with her family in their belief that the bride should be getting married where she was born and raised.

I'm having a hard time believing that.

Any input?

Thanks!

Stressed

Dear Elise,

I am planning my wedding with my husband to be. We have a location that has meaning for us. However, my family is pulling for us to have the wedding in my hometown. I have not lived there for many years and am in my mid thirties. I see, perhaps, the value of the wedding as a sort of "debutante ball" for a younger bride, but think those days have passed. How strong or current is the tradition of a bride to marry where she's from? My family has expressed disappointment in our chosen venue. The groom's family will pitch in for part of the costs to have it there why in my hometown it would be my parent's show. Is a wedding still deeply routed with the details of the father hosting the wedding exclusively? How much of it is about the couple versus the wishes of the brides family?

Best,

Family Matters


Dear Stressed and Family Matters,

You could be both halves of a wedding couple writing to me, and my answer to both of you is the same. Wedding locations are determined by many things: budget, temperament, space availability, time of year, wedding size, health of important guests, the list is endless. Yes, there is a fair amount of tradition in the United States for weddings to happen in the bride's hometown, but those traditions assume many things (that the hometown is appealing, for instance) and there is certainly no rule that requires that weddings have the bride returning to her point of origin. The popularity of destination weddings should be enough to put that notion to rest.

So, the bottom line, really, is that you have no obligation because of any rule of etiquette or tradition to get married in the bride's hometown. There are, of course other things to consider, such as who is paying for the wedding and whether or not these people would like to have a say in where the event takes place, convenience for all parties, that sort of thing.

As far as navigating family wishes, don't dismiss the bride's parents out of turn. Pay attention to what they are saying and acknowledge their interests. You don't have to have the wedding in your parents' (or your future in-laws') hometown, but be nice about it. You can always say that you understand there is this tradition but that it is not one you feel you need to enforce. Go on to explain that you need to pick a location that is mutually inconvenient for everyone, that you have a spot that is important to you and that this is what makes you happy. The happier you are about your choice, the harder it will be for people to argue with you about it.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 12:00 PM    <link>

QUICK CHANGE OF PLAN BRINGS WELTER OF QUESTIONS

Elise,

My wedding is in two weeks. I met my fiance while traveling, and after having a long distance relationship, we decided I should move to the Midwest with him. We became engaged last summer and set a date for the wedding in December. To be frank, we are only getting married this soon so that we can both receive better financial aid to continue our college educations. As a result, we have had limited time to plan and have come across a few snags-

My parents are coming for the wedding, but most of my friends and extended family can't afford to travel. Most of his family lives here, and he has many friends as well. I shy and feel that inviting his entire family and all his friends would have made the ceremony very large and also unfair/embarrassing to me with only my parents there.

My fiance was very understanding, and we chose a small, private ceremony location, and decided to only invite our parents. Initially, the plan was to have lunch with our folks, then my fiance and I would go to our B&B for the night. The next night, we were planning to invite all his friends and siblings out to a favorite bar.

His mother decided to replace our intimate lunch and wants to rent a room at a restaurant and invite his family and friends. My fiance immediately jumped on board. I reluctantly agreed and my mom also thinks it's a good idea. We won't be having the lunch catered- we don't have any money and neither do our parents. The guests will be on their own, but we'll encourage making it mostly a beer/wine / appetizers thing.

My fiance wants to send out an event invitation on Facebook- even though our wedding is very casual and we aren't making a big deal out of it, I still think this is tacky. How would we word invitations to let people know that the ceremony is private and that guests will have to pay for their own meals at the reception?

Also, we plan on sending out announcements. We are both quite young, and very liberal/alternative. We don't want fancy or stuffy cards going out to our friends, but we want to be respectful to our families. We also don't want to have two versions. How should we word them? Initially I refused to change my name, but we have compromised and decided that we will both be hyphenating our names. One last thing: we expect gifts from our families, but not necessarily from our friends. Should be send thank-yous to friends who come to the reception but don't give gifts? Can we just send notes to our gift-giving family members along with our wedding announcements?

Thank you,

Displaced Loner Bride


Dear Displaced,

You do have to move quickly on all of these things, but be careful that you don't dig yourself into a complicated situation.

Your initial plan was really a much better one. It is extremely uncomfortable to have your guests pay their own way at your wedding reception. Some people are used to having to pay for their own drinks at wedding receptions, but even this is hard to pull off. In general, if you're inviting people to celebrate your wedding, you should pay for their meal.

If there is a way you can revert to your original plan or re-stage this on to have the gathering happen at a time that is unconnected to any meal so you could just serve cake and have a simple toast, you will be on much happier ground.

The Facebook invitation is extremely informal and if you don't mind it being that casual, and your guests treating it casually. Traditionally, wedding invitations can be easily structured to let people know that they've been invited to the wedding ceremony and reception or just the reception. The difference in language is that "the honor of your presence" is requested for the ceremony and "the pleasure of your company" is requested for the reception. There is no way to gracefully say that guests will have to pay their own way, however, and again, it would probably be easiest if you invited everyone to something you could afford (cake/dessert and a quick toast, for instance) or left the gathering on a separate day with no sense of it being a wedding reception, as you had initially planned.

As for your announcement, you can send it out any time after your wedding and all you have to say is that you are pleased to announce that you and your fiance were married and list the date, the city and state. If you want to be more practical and less formal about it, you could combine your announcement with the "at home" card tradition and list your new address as well.

You don't need to thank people for coming to your wedding, though it is a nice thing to do if people travel for it. So while you should of course thank people for what presents they give, you don't need to go further, necessarily. This is complicated by your current plan to have people pay for their own meals, and it is another reason why you may want to reconsider this new plan.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 9:16 AM    <link>

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