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You've got questions, she's got answers. Be among the first to read Elise Mac Adam's new etiquette guide. Pre-order from:
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Send your etiquette questions to Elise at indieetiquette@yahoo.com

Thursday, May 15, 2008

WHEN WILL SHE SAY?

Dear Elise,

I have a dear friend/coworker who was invited to our upcoming wedding with a guest. She has been single for over 2 years. When I began to plan my wedding, I insisted on inviting all singles with guests. This particular friend takes the whole guest issue very personally.

For instance, I take part in the planning of our company holiday party. This year I was asked to try and come up with a politically correct way of implying that employees are welcome to bring spouses/significant others/life partners, but not some random friend or date for the night. When I asked her for advice she refused to help me, refused to attend the party, and did not speak to me for several days! She said: "What makes your significant other any more significant than mine, because you sleep with them??!"

Now, with just 3 weeks left until my wedding, she has yet to RSVP. When I asked her she said, "Can't you just put me down and if I bring someone I do, if not, I don't." I am having a restaurant wedding and she said: "It's not like you're having a sit down dinner, and how much is it a head anyway?" (Actually I am, and the price is none of her beeswax.)

I don't want to cause an argument, or even make her upset. However, I need a final count. Any advice? Thank you,

- Plus 1 Regrets...

Dear Plus 1 Regrets,

When do you need a final head count? Surely your venue or caterer has given you a date for this. You won't be starting an argument with your friend by telling her that you need to know how many people are going to be attending by whatever the magic date is and that you need to plan the seating charts, so if she hasn't told you that she plans to bring someone, you'll have to assume she is going to go stag. That's the beginning and end of it.

Things are getting down to the wire now, but I would tell her this and then not mention it again until the day you need to know the answer.

Clearly your friend is bucking to make a political issue out of your needing to know if she's bringing someone to your wedding, when actually, it is just a courtesy to let your hosts know not just whether you'll be coming with someone on your arm, but the name of that someone as well. You are right that she's being a pain, but there's nothing you can do to correct this quirk of hers. She's defensive and weird and there's nothing you can do about that.

Don't argue with her and don't talk to her about catering costs and other issues. Just firmly tell her that you need to know and you want to see her at your wedding whether or not she has a date. If the day arrives with no response from her, ask her directly (on the phone or in person) if she can come one more time. Give her every opportunity but be sure to let her know about your own requirements with as little emotion as possible.

This is a drag, but try to be patient a little longer. Some day, she'll be over this sensitivity and you can forget how annoying she was on this point.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 7:04 AM    <link>

WHAT TO WEAR: MEN'S EDITION

Hello Elise,

As a groom, I am struggling with what to wear during my wedding given the details of our event, which follow: My fiancee will be wearing a mermaid style dress in silk shantung, natural color, with a chapel length train. (To my knowledge, no veil or gloves.)

The ceremony will be at 4 PM, outdoors in a small public garden for immediate family and close friends. It will be a brief civil service with no attendants. This will be followed by a larger cocktail hour and reception beginning at 5 PM, with a buffet-style dinner at a nice hotel. The reception will include a DJ and dancing.

These are the things I am wondering about: As the ceremony is prior to 6 PM, is this considered a daytime wedding? Or is it more appropriate to think of our event as an evening wedding, since a dinner reception is planned? Because my fiancee's dress has a train, does this mean it is strictly formal or, as a chapel-length train, can it pass for semi-formal? If it is appropriate for me to wear a tuxedo, are some of the newer "formal suits" with a long tie appropriate to wear, or are these considered in poor taste?

I have been offered many conflicting views on all these points. I appreciate any advice you can spare.

Thank you,

- Confused Groom

Dear CG

You're right to be confused. Things are confusing because formality has been sadly neglected. Once there was an extraordinarily strict protocol for men's wedding attire. Today, many people aren't aware that there could be a distinction between what one would wear to a formal daytime affair versus an evening wedding. So your caution is to be commended but if you make elaborate efforts, there is a good chance they will go unnoticed. This is not to say that you shouldn't, though. There are no "if a tree falls in the forest" questions when it comes to etiquette, since the protocols work because they are largely invisible.

Moving on, you are correct that your wedding ceremony is going to take place during the day (before 6:00 p.m.) and as a result, if you were to wear the standard formal tuxedo, you'd be wearing it a couple of hours too early (hardly the worst crime-- this is something you could wear and not be accused of wrongdoing). But if you're nervous or if you want to keep things extremely proper, you could observe these traditions.

For the most formal daytime wedding, grooms would wear a morning coat or cutaway. These are long fitted jackets with tails. It takes quite a lot to pull these off, since they have an air of the 19th century about them (and there's nothing wrong with that). Other accessories: bow tie and waistcoat.

Men's semiformal daytime wedding attire is a grey coat and trousers and a waistcoat and informal garb is a dark suit.

Exceptionally formal evening dress is a black tailcoat (those tails again) and white wing collar shirt and bow tie while the standard tuxedo we all know and love was considered semiformal evening attire when these rules were set out.

You will observe that in all of these rules there is no mention of what the bride plans to wear. All you must do, as a matter of etiquette, is match the formality of your wedding to the time of day and you get your answer.

You ask about these new formal suits with long ties and I can only say that the suits sound perfectly safe. As for the ties, I must remain neutral since they arrived from the planet of fashion, something about which I am ill qualified to advise, particularly men's fashion. You could certainly get away with it since you are having a semiformal event.

What do you want to wear? What can you pull off comfortably? It is wonderful that you want your clothes to match the tone of your bride's, but as long as you stick with the semiformal-to-formal palate, you'll be fine.

Cheers to you and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 11:10 AM    <link>

WHEELING AND DEALING

Dear Elise,

My parents went through a very nasty divorce 20 years ago. My mom moved my brother and me to another state. My father stayed where I was born. They have always been horrible to each another, but my brother and I have had a great relationship with both of them. They have always argued over money and now I am planning my wedding.

It is in the divorce agreement that they split my wedding. Mom is refusing to pay for her half, she believes she has paid for more in my life than my father has. Dad is fine with the 50/50 split but says that if I have it in his hometown he will pay for the entire thing. (This is a swipe at my mother, he’ll get all the decision making power).

I spent every summer in this town that my Dad lives in and swam for the country club where we'd have the reception at for 10 years. My mother is VERY hurt I would even consider having it in the town where he lives. We had a huge fight last night when I told her I was considering it.

I live in a town that is neither my mom's nor dad's, and I was originally going to plan it here so I didn't have to deal with this issue. But the more I see how much I am going to have to do, the more daunting it looks. I would be doing everything by myself. If I had it in my dad's town, his wife would plan a majority of it and if I had it in my mom's town I can see us fighting a lot based on the past two weeks since I have been engaged.

Any suggestions?

- Caught

Dear Caught,

I can't tell you any magic words that will make everyone happy and contented, but perhaps there is a way you can put things into perspective such that you can figure out what you want to do and how to negotiate things with your parents.

What would you like best if all things were equal? Would you really be happiest getting married where your mother lives, where you currently live or where your father resides? That decision alone can help guide you.

It sounds as if you feel your mother is being a little irrational in the style of her refusal to contribute to the wedding budget and her outrage that you would consider having the wedding on your father's turf. Her bluster may be an attempt to mask a genuine fear about having to deal with him on his territory. Keep this in mind in your dealings with her. She is probably feeling quite vulnerable and will be prone to being defensive.

She may be right to feel lousy, since you point out that your father is trying to hurt her by bribing you to get married in his neck of the woods. So if you do decide to get married in your father's town, there are a few safeguards you can take. Come up with a short list of elements that you and your mother can plan together (dress selection is an obvious choice, here, but you may have others you feel more comfortable about). This will give your mother a chance or two to help and to feel included. You should also be prepared to face some discomfort about the invitation. Your mother may feel quite let out if her name doesn't appear on the invitation, regardless of her lack of financial contribution. You will have to decide whether or not to fight to have her named and everyone will almost certainly have something to say about whatever you decide.

On the other hand, you may find it is more comfortable to take the smaller amount of money that your father is offering if you get married somewhere other than his town and have your wedding on a smaller scale where you live (neutral territory, but more work for you). This scenario might be easier for you emotionally.

Only you can figure out which of the locations is right for you. Are you attached to the country club because that is where you swam as a child? Are you attached to the town you grew up in with your mother? Does your fiance have any opinions that would help you?

You aren't going to get out of this without some sort of sacrifice. You will need to decide if it takes the form of convenience or money or patience or your mother's peace of mind. No matter what you decide to do, as long as you are honest and careful with everyone's feelings, you'll be behaving well. Try not to let yourself be manipulated, but if you have the wedding where you want it, do your best to offer indulgences (such as your mother's name on the invitation, in addition to those of your father and step-mother) even if she isn't contributing financially) that will go a long way.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 2:57 PM    <link>

SHARING THE BURDEN (THANK YOU NOTES)

Dear Elise,

My fiance and I would like to share thank you note duties for our wedding gifts, but I am confused about how to divide the labor. On one hand, it seems appropriate for me to write to my family and friends, and he to his. On the other hand, I would also like the chance to write to his family, as I don't know them well and would like them to know how grateful I am for their gifts. Is it more appropriate for us to switch, and each write to the other's family and friends instead?

Also, my shower was very close (2 weeks) to the wedding. If I don't get all the thank you notes out before the wedding (and believe me, I'm trying to!), is it appropriate to thank a guest for both their shower and wedding gift on the same note? I'm concerned I will otherwise be sending two notes to the same person at the same time!

- Many Thanks to Give!

Dear Many Thanks,

You are, to a small extent, overthinking the thank yous. What is most important is that they get written. Authorship is a secondary concern except in special cases. I suspect you know what those special cases might be. (If you know, for instance, that your fiance's grandmother is extremely traditional and would worry that the reason her thank you note had been penned by her beloved grandson and not boy you is that you somehow didn't manage to survive the honeymoon, it would be in your best interests to write the thing yourself.)

So if it is easiest for you to take the whole list and swap families/friend groups, you can absolutely do that. You could also take the pragmatist's approach and have whichever one of you is not walking the dog that night take on note-writing duties. Or you could take turns. Dividing the labor can only be a good thing, so cheers to your cooperative effort.

As for your shower notes, you can combine the thanks for the shower gift and the wedding present in one note if you find you'll be getting them out at the same time. You don't need to do anything weird or stilted or send two notes under separate cover. Just be sure to specifically acknowledge both presents in your letter and you'll be fine.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:56 AM    <link>

MUCH ADO OVER TWO GUESTS (REHEARSAL QUIBBLE)

Dear Elise,

My only son (my only child) is getting married very soon. I have been a single mother since he was 2, he is now 25. Since the wedding is on a Sunday and the rehearsal is on a Friday, that gave us an entire day to do something novel, and have a rehearsal party on the lake all day Saturday. So, since the wedding falls on a major tourist here and hotels and restaurants for rehearsal dinners are at a premium, I rented a lake house for 2 weeks and have invited the groomsmen and their significant others to stay there.

I will also host the Rehearsal Party there. My son's father has bailed on any financial obligation so the entire event has fallen to me to plan and pay for. Since I enjoy cooking, I decided that in order to cut expenses, I would do the cooking for the party. Renting the house, party rentals, food expenses and paying for for all of the other expenses have really added up.

Now my son's fiancee has decided that she wants to keep the rehearsal dinner a private intimate affair with just close family and friends. I have two very close friends who live far away but with whom I'm in frequent contact. They have supported me and my son for over 20 years, and I really want to have them at the party, and they have offered to help me set up and clean up.

Now my son is siding with his bride and says he doesn't want them at the party. He says that they don't want to make intimate speeches in front of people they don't know. The bride is inviting a high school friend who is traveling from out of state, and whom she hasn't seen in 15 years. My invitation list is much smaller than theirs and I don't have a large family circle, my friends are my family I don't know what to do! Am I being unreasonable about insisting they attend or should I call them and hurt their feelings? Please help. I await your thoughts and respect your suggestions.

Most sincerely,

- Distraught Mother

Dear DM,

You've taken excellent care of your son's wedding, and I think I can say without being too far off base that you've gone above and beyond the call when it comes to planning this party.

Here is the key thing to remember: you are hosting this rehearsal event (on a big scale). You are paying for it, cooking for it, planning it. You are permitted to have some leeway when it comes to the guest list.

Generally, ideally, rehearsal party guest lists are created with a degree of compromise, so that the wishes of the wedding couple and the hosts (if the wedding couple isn't doing it all themselves) are taken into consideration. What you are asking does not sound extravagant. You want to have two close friends attend this party. That is fair enough. (You don't mention how many people are going to be invited to this party but unless the event is something truly "intimate" and the only guests were immediate family and the wedding party your two friends should hardly merit so much comment and protest.)

You don't need to play tit-for-tat or think about the bride's guest list, and how many invitations you have been allotted to the wedding. All you need to keep in mind is that you are the host, these guests are important to you, and you aren't talking about overwhelming the situation with so many people that the tone of the event will change.

So tell your son and his future wife that this is not something you want to compromise on. You want these guests at the rehearsal and the wedding. You have extended yourself very far to ensure that your son and his fiancee and their friends will be comfortable, and this is important to you. If they protest about the "intimate" toasts (and, really, if it is a toast being spoken in front of a crowd, it isn't intimate), you can suggest that since the whole crowd is staying together, they can gather everyone before they go to bed recite their intimate words in the wee hours.

Don't be afraid of your son or his fiancee. This is not unreasonable or weird of you, so be firm, not hysterical or upset, not overly emotional, just let them know that this is important and this is the way it will be. You don't want this to be a breaking point or something that undermines your happiness at the wedding but you also need to make your desires known and since you are hosting, you are permitted more flexibility.

Good luck and congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 6:36 AM    <link>

DIVORCED ON THE INVITATION

Dear Elise,

If I were to list my parents' names on an invitation, I would write "Peter and Sally Smith." However, my boyfriend's parents are divorced but remain very close friends. His mother kept her last name. Do I list them as "John and Jane Doe" or "John Doe and Jane Doe"? I don't want it to look weird that our parents' names are listed differently, but I also don't want to give the impression that his are still married when they are not.

Thank you,

- Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I hope it comes as a reassuring surprise that there is a traditional format for people in your divorced in-laws' situation.

Traditionally, one would put each parent's name on a separate line (the woman's name appearing first).

So in your case:

Mr. and Mrs. Peter and Sally Smith
and
Mrs. [or Ms.] Jane Doe
and
Mr. John Doe
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of. . .

Of course, you can always vary the language to you’re your purposes. Here's hoping that does the trick

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 5:49 AM    <link>

Etiquette: Late Night on the Air

What are you doing tomorrow night?

If you're not out gallivanting, tune in to hear me on WOR radio's Joey Reynolds Show.

Whoever said comportment is useless after dark?

posted by Elise at 1:51 PM    <link>

HANDLING GUESTS

Dear Elise,

We sent out the wedding invites and so far one person has sent back the response card and added a guest to it. How do I handle this and any possible future response cards where guest is added? There is no room at the chapel for extra guests and I don't feel like paying for a meal and drinks for a guest at the reception for someone we don't even know.

Also, I have a feeling people will come to our wedding and not get us a gift because we are only registered at a large home store, and we are only registered for gift cards. So some people may be confused and not get us anything. Which is fine but do we send out a Thank You note to folks who attend the wedding but do not get us a gift? Basically thanking them for coming?

Thank you,

- What to Say?

Dear What to Say,

Guest protocol is always a tricky business but you don't have to be a their mercy.

If you don't want extra guests for any reason (space issues, money issues, etc.) you can absolutely do something about people who add dates to their response cards. You must call the people up and tell them patiently and kindly that you are sorry but you can't accommodate any additional people. This isn't rude or mean. It is a fact of life that events have constraints on them. People may grumble but the final word is that you can't make exceptions because if you do it once, you must give all of your single guests the option of bringing a companion and this isn't possible.

Now, you do not have to send a thank you note to people for attending your wedding. People who have destination weddings often send out thank you cards to everyone because of the travel and expense involved but fundamentally, thank you notes are really most crucial when a present has been given. If the mood strikes you to thank your guests for coming, feel free to write a note, but it is not a problem if you don't.

Congratulations,

Elise

posted by Elise at 8:23 AM    <link>

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